So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
