It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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