I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
