We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
