the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
