DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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