Having a random hookup so left but love u
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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