I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude i'm inner monologue high
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
