im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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