If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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