On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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