You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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