In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
