I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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