captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
