dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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