so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
