I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
