Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
They have beer where we have blood.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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