I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
