I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
