I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
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Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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