he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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