I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
