yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
