If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
