his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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