Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!