he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
