i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
