3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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