Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
