i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
