I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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