Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
