Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
