life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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