if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
