I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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