I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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