Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
