omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
