If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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