You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
