i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
