Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
