I think I won the penis lottery.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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