my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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