Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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