All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
