So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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