I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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