just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
