i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
