i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
