I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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