Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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