I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My life is pants optional.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
