i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
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Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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