Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
