why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
