sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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