Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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