You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
